Midnight's late reminder

"End it all."
I think we were on the same level last night.
Maybe that's why it made so much sense.
Lately it feels like I've fell into the ocean without the luxary of a life vest.
No coast guard, may I remind you.
Like I'm left behind.
But it was smooth when we talked.
Fluid, calm, not a tidal wave.
Maybe its psycological.
Maybe paranormal.
Abnormal either way.
What did you say:
"Lets go to China, I'll take you."
"I've never been to China."
"Neither have I."
"Sure."
"Just like that?"
"Why not."
"Can't be that easy."
"Do you ever just want to swim away?"
"All the time."
"Too bad we're land-locked."
"Too bad."
"But there are lakes."
Something like that, snappy.
At midnight I think the realization that I wasn't suppossed to be there clicked in. Well, only breifly. It was a good feeling, though, being there, in that mental state of mind.
Like I had figured it out.
Thats when I understood who I was: A man bent on some distant driving goal that he couldn't explain but that pulled him in with the force of a tractor beam. I couldn't be derailed. At midnight I realized I was a maniac. Nuts. And i realized that when the sun came up i would be alright again; smart, sharp and searching, just with things on my mind. Right now I had nothing on my mind. Jekell and Hyde. Thats me.
The searching part is why I want to be a swimmer. At night, though, its all about the darkness that fills your head, the nothing.
Right then I was reminded that I wanted to get away but didn't know how.
"China would be nice right now."