Reise

I need a vacation.
The world is spinning too fast and I get motion sickness...
Remedy? Taking some time off.
"I'm going to Mexico," I tell my friend. He just asked me if I wanted to go to this new movie with him this weekend.
"Well this came out of no where," he says about my travel plans, and it did. Spur of the moment. Some times its the best way to do things.
"I'll be back Sunday," I say. "I need to get the hell out of this place. And I don't just mean this town."
....
So I'm feeling like the world has begun to cave in on me so I'm talking to the only person in the world that can make me smile in that kind of situation and its 2 a.m. and the world is asleep and I know that I should be too because I need to wake up at 4 a.m., and I've already had an early day today with no nap in between, but, like I said, it feels like my life is caving in, so I'm talking to the only person that makes it feel like I'm wearing a hard hat, and she's really working her magic right now so I'm not that sure I want to hang up on her. So we talk. I get an hour of sleep. Good trade off. And thats not sarcasm.
....
I catch my plane to Mexico and am passed out for the entire flight. Hell, I'm so tired that I don't even remember walking through the airport or getting on the plane. It dosn't matter. Once I sat down and fastened my seatbelt I was already in paradise. We took off. I left the world behind me.
....
And here's a side note. My phone dosn't work in Mexico. That means you can't get a hold of me. Haha.
....
At sunset we touch down at the airport by the beach and I step outside and see palm trees and tropical birds and they're singing to each other and I have no idea where the hell I am but it feels good to finally get lost in a place I don't know. Havn't done that in a long time.
My friend meets me at the airport.
We take a bus to a small town in the middle of somewhere.
We really have no plan. No Hotel. No idea where we're going.
I like how that sounds, looking back at it.
"We had no idea where we were going."
Thats the best feeling in the world.

slow down

Down from the ceiling Leaks a great noise It drips on my head through a hole in the roof Behind these two hills here There's a pool And when I'm swimming in through a tunnel I shut my eyes Inside the cabin I make sounds And through the tubes I send this noise Behind these two hills here I fall asleep And when I float in green grass of tunnel It flows back Down from the ceiling Leaks a great noise It drips on my head through a hole in the roof Behind these two hills here There's a pool And when I'm swimming in through a tunnel I shut my eyes.
~Green Grass of Tunnel, British Sea Power.

In response

What do you want me to say to you?
There are times in life when you cross boundries that you don't want to cross. Ugly bridges that make you look at the uglyness of yourself in the mirror and make you want to vomit when you do so. Your life can't be all about the roses. You can't forget the weeds. People cross boundries.
Its safe to say that I'm ahead of the game in this respect.
Is that a bad thing?
Yes and no. It really opens up a whole world and all the sweet and sour that comes with it.
Don't tell me that you've changed because of me, because its not my fault. You wanted to go there and you have to accept that there is no turning back.
My fault?
Fuck that.
At least now you know what you don't want out of your life...
...And that is to be like me.
And all of a sudden there's an interesting thought: I'm the bad guy. But, hey, they have more fun, right.
All I have to say on the matter of life and how you should carry it out is that you only live once...unless you're a Buddhist...then there are ample oppertunities.
Last time I checked, though, you weren't.

The thorn bush in my head

"Everything."
"All of it?"
"Everything."
"Can't be right."
"Think about it."
"I am."
"It's all been tainted."
"You're all wrong, and I mean that."
"You're right. Everything is wrong."
"All of it. Everything you've ever done."
"I can't understand."
"How can you?"
"How do I do it?"
"Look at you, look at what you've become."
"Everything" "That" "I've" "Ever" "Done" "Has" "Ended" "In"
Failure. Some form of it anyways...
"Or is it?" "Remeber that we fall to learn to get back up."
I'm tired of learning.
"I can't think straight." "How can I?" "Its the internal monolouge, it'll do it to you." "Two voices, how do I figure it out with two voices?" "What needs to be figured out?" "Everything." "Everything is wrong." "Fix it." "How? Everything I start ends up falling apart." "And I want to know why." "But I just can't figure it out." "How many times have I set off on a mission? How many times have I accomplished it?"
"How did this happen?" "How could I have been so stupid?"
This internal monolouge is driving me crazy.

slept well

Why is it that after I call and talk to you I can sleep my first good night of sleep in a week?
...
Maybe its your voice.
...
No,
It has to be more then that.

sold on limbo

So I'm starring out the window of an office 16 stories up. Its not a bad view.
I can see for miles. Ealry morning sun streaks through the open blinds, flooding the room and blinding my eyes. Below, roads crisscross through the world and the traffic on them is heavy and constant. A shop owner sweeps his sidewalk. A plane begins to drop altitude to land. The trees say with the wind.
I can see the world unfold all around me. In some way thats satisfying. I guess.
I'm in the office and everything is quiet. I havn't decided if its peaceful or agitating. i just can't make up my mind.
Then the phone next to me rings. I don't pick up.
I mean why bother?
So I sit.
Then its my cell phone that rings. I don't pick up.
No sense in it anymore.
I sit, hear a beep in my pocket that lets me know I have a new message.
But I don't give a damn.
I'm starring out the window at the world below and wondering about an idea that has just struck me.
If I leave the office and go out to the elevators in the lobby could I get them to take me all the way up, to the clouds even, so I could get away from this whole place; you know, throw it all on the ground below?
I think in the clouds you don't have a cell phone signal. That means you don't have to worry about people calling.
But at the same time, the thought that I might miss an important call scares the hell out of me.
I'm starring out the window, detached from the world below. Then, suddenly, i reach in my pocket and listen to my message. Its half important, they always are.
So I decided, instead, to stay in my 16th floor limbo where the world is still below my thoughts, yet can still keep in touch if it wants.
I stare out the window and just sigh.

I need a drink

I'm wondering where I am.
Lately it's felt like I've been running up an escalator thats going in the oppositte direction.
I'm just waiting to slip and fall and go tumbling down to the bottom.
That would be an ugly sight.
For some reason I have alot off stamina, though.
Way to be optimistic, I guess.